A Limp in the Woods (Day 8)

An Appalachian Trail Tale
Day 8: Monday, April Fools’ Day, 2013
The Old Cheese Factory Site to Hiawassee = 13 miles
Miles to date: 69

Fool’s Day

Ruth

As is the AT norm, scenery has been only at a microcosm level, down in the dirt or in the few perennial plants. Scenery < greenery. Every twist in the trail has been like the one before it: indistinguishable. During many of these twists--and the few straight stretches between--insects, mushrooms, leaves and rocks are all that offer any view. This is a novel experience. I’m programmed for panoramas, having spent my life snacking in the American west, from its great watery edge to its majestic mountains and deserts. All desserts.

But, as mentioned already, even if there were huge vistas, you’d only see them when stopped. The trail demands not only your physical attention but also total mental concentration. I typically don’t mind incurring great amounts of physical toil, but I’m as indolent as they come when it comes to mental strain. My brain is adjusted to refrain from pain.

Regardless, I was enjoying myself. So was Ruth and everyone we’d met. Many hikers, restless and impassioned, were racing up the trail--THRU-HIKERS: TAKE YOUR MARK!--but they too seemed to be loving life. (This is just a guess; few took the time to say hi.) And why wouldn’t we be loving life? We were all where we wanted to be, sucking the marrow from life.

Ruth and I were also sucking wind. The path was hillier than we’d imagined, and what we’d imagined wasn’t pleasant. (We knew a skosh about what we were getting ourselves into, having read hikers’ accounts.) Progress was slow, bordering on regress. My guess was we’d walked about three hours each day so far, stopping to catch a second wind at least as long. It’s hard to catch your second wind when you never caught the first. 

Unlike it was for some of the others, there was no hurry. We sought life in each stride and, unless the skies menaced or threatened to, we never concerned ourselves with the miles ahead. What are miles anyway?

~~~~~~~~~~

The day started with the realization that I’ve yet to make it through a single night without having to free my bladder of its contents. After the usual lengthy internal debate--to pee or not to pee--this has meant extricating myself from the plush penetralia of the sleeping bag (plush when it remains dry, that is). Then I slip into wet shoes, tip the doorman, step out into the arctic gales, and beeline for the nearest tree, hoping it’s enough of a wind-block.

All the heat this happy camper had worked so hard to create goes missing the instant the sleeping bag is unzipped. Unzipping the woodshed assures I won’t be warm again for hours. This is one of the worst parts of camping. There are others.

A pee bottle would do the trick, but I don’t like peeing in bottles. Nor do I like peeing in front of a nymphomaniac. Or anyone else. Plus, once you’ve chugged urine, you’d never consciously choose to piss into a bottle again. Trust me on this. Pee tastes like shit.

The sky was on full exhibition when I stepped out. Absolutely jaw-dropping. The clouds had retreated and I stood there thunderstruck, gawking at a gazillion sparklers, nearly peeing on myself. With its accessible lucida Alioth, I could name just one asterism--the Big Dipstick. But there were dozens on display, including that one shaped like an albino orangutan holding a raised bowling pin in one hand and a mirror in the other. Stunned by it all, I wondered for a second: if the constellations had been named in recent centuries there’d probably be fewer animals up there, just as there are here on Earth. Shoot ‘em down, shooting star!

I was up again an hour later, an hour before the sun, ready to ramble. Ruth was sound asleep--that sound being SNORING--but I prompted and prodded her to accompany me on a walk on this April Fool’s Day. It’s a day, I whispered her way, held in our honor. It’s not every day you’re honored.

The Tray Mountain Wilderness and its namesake peak were first on our to-do list. Starting the day with a steep incline, when we’d been recline, was, well, dumb. It was too early to be sweating. “I’d like the Appalachian Trail more if it wasn’t always trying to kill us,” Ruth said. “I think it’s trying to tell us something.”

It was easy to replenish any sweat lost, since there were many springs lining the trail. Already, we’d passed more water gushing out of the ground than I’d ever seen out west. The water was pure and potable, but much too frosty to ingest without incurring an ice headache. We’d sip slowly throughout the day, to avoid those or any other headache. I’d already incurred a dehydration-caused migraine back on Day 3, and it was severe enough to lead me to puke.

The Five-Star Deep Gap Shelter

At Deep Gap we took a short side-trip down to a posh shelter of the same name. There we found ideal real estate for a siesta. We hung our stuff out to dry and laid back to unwind. Then Boy Scout Troop 566 stumbled onto the scene. A platoon of rambunctious ramblers.

We knew immediately: our R & R was adjourned. We were subdued; they were unglued. I whispered to Ruth, “Boy Scouts should also be strung up and hung out to dry.” The twerps were as obnoxious as kids come, and their parents/scout leaders utterly incompetent. Incompetent was the only tent they knew anything about. Ruth the one-time rookie even laughed, watching the troop leaders argue over how best to pitch a tent.

We made like a banana and scrambled. We did not thank the lads for their service. Children are like farts; you don’t mind them when they’re your own. They’re little whiffs of poop when they’re someone else’s.

By late afternoon we negotiated one of the longest descents yet, all the way down to US Highway 76 and Dick Gap. Or maybe it was Dick’s Creek Gap. Our good fortune continued there, in the form of an Indianan named Oscar. Oscar proposed driving us to Hiawassee in his older-model pick-up, but not before offering us and a hiker named Jungle Juice some trail magic. Sandwiches, cookies, candy, heaven. Hoosier hospitality. The middle-aged triathlete had been parked at the trail junction for an hour, hoping to meet some thru-hikers. That’s when we three breezed in. We tried to smile in appreciation, but it was difficult with our mouths so full. We eat candy while millions go hungry.

Jungle Juice kept north while Oscar shuttled Ruth and me to Hiawassee. Heeding a call to inaction, she and I checked into a classy hotel. Classy in that it had a roof that didn’t look to leak if the skies were to. We cleaned up and promptly did nothing. Slacktion! Oh to do jack squat and find it enough! Tomorrow Ruth was headed to a heated home, and I...back to the wet, wintry woods. Dark and damp, a place to camp.